Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
