I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize