the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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