??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize