I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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