I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
