I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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