heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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