She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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