I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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