i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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