My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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