Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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