I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
