Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
