It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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