i just sent this text using only my big toe
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize