She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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