Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
