You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This is my gift to your gina
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
