White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
