I skipped work to stalk him.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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