while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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