Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
