I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
