i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
