Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
