when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
