No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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