If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
