I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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