I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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