You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
