can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
