Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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