I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
