there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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