Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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