i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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