I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
