I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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