I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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