textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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