just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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