Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
