well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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