Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize