ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
