did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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