have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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