A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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