when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
