I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
