Duck Duck Cougar?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
