I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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