First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
