I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize