He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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